Somewhere over the rainbow...

 Eye makeup only (mascara and eyeliner). I love when I'm feeling extra pretty :D

 I am still absolutely in love with my ex boyfriend, who I wouldn't acknowledge was my boyfriend to anyone other than him until he was, in fact, my ex. I will never find a man who comes anywhere close to what he is, but when you fuck something up you don't get to bitch about it later so that's the end of that.

There is so much hypocrisy and dishonesty floating around me. I am so sick of it. I think horribly of myself, but then I realize that I don't lie about my life. It's pretty damn lame, I'm almost always completely broke, I'll never be a ball of sunshine. Despite all that sucks, I love my family, my puppies, my music, and  my faith. I really want to see a psychologist, but that's embarrassing as hell. So is seeing a gynecologist. I have some serious issues.

I haven't washed my hair in forever. My scalp is gross and dry and itchy. I'll wash it in the morning, I swear!

Music provides such a release for me. I really need to learn to play an instrument, although I suppose I really don't have time for it. The song I can't stop listening to now is Rotten Rudd by Bibio. It's AMAZING.

I feel so much better. I didn't write down everything I was thinking about, but this is more than enough for now.

A bientot!

 

I'm not happy with every aspect of my life right now, but I am content with where I am going. I haven't been for a long time, and to feel like I'm actually doing things right again, it's an amazing feeling.

I'm trying not to be petty and let my anger get the best of me. I really am trying to do everything on my own and I don't have to. I've never had to. Since I've been in Austin, I have had EVERY type of temptation known to man thrown at me, and have actually given in to a few. I have questioned my religion multiple times, I've wanted to quit everything, i wrestled with an eating disorder for a little while, I have made stupid stupid decisions, and I have, on more than one occasion, prayed that people forget my behavior by the next day. I have struggled through things that I couldn't avoid and struggled through things that were totally my fault.

I found myself.

I have learned so much about myself in 3 short years. I slowly became the girl I am today and I am slowly working to become the woman that I want to be tomorrow. I have learned that God really is my best friend in this world. When I feel like crying and the rest of them are nowhere to be found, He is always there. He has brought some amazing people in my life and removed the ones who weren't what I needed to be around. He taught me to judge character and to be a friend under the harshest of circumstances. When I feel that everyone has ditched me, I know that Christ is here. I think I spend more time praying than anything else now. I won't pretend to know everything about religion. I barely know anything about the Bible. I just know that when I pray, I feel like I can do anything. When I focus my energy in the right direction, my entire life seems to fall in line.

I was inspired to write this today by Sam Bradford and Colt McCoy lol. They're high profile athletes who experience ups and downs on a daily basis that I'll almost never experience. They are on a stage with spotlights on them at all times, but they deal and handle it all with great class. They are Christians and they don't hesitate to make it known. I think that's what impresses me the most. In a world where it seems like everyone chooses their religion based on what Tom Cruise and Oprah says is cool, people who are real Christians are hard to find. I love having people close to my age and experiencing (some) of the same things that I am setting this example.

This post was kinda all over the place, but it was really just for me so that doesn't matter.

<3
 

Lots of things on earth have only one use. Sure you can use it for other things, but it's main use is what you typically use it for.

A blog is for expressing yourself. A car is for transporting people and things. A book is for reading.

Par exemple, I only post on LJ when I'm especially sad or just have a lot on my mind. At least, that's what it has turned into. It was not my original purpose for it, but it is what it is.

I think the one true exception to this rule is people. We have unlimited uses and we can't be sure of exactly what purpose we serve. I think it's up to us to determine our purpose here with the time that we're given. But that's just it, WE determine our purposes for OURSELVES. Now, I don't mean that I determine what the human race is for, but I determine what I am for. This leads me to what's bothering me the most.

I feel that this relationship has become one simply of convenience. I don't mean just when you have time because being busy doesn't change the basis of a connection between two people. I mean when no one else is providing either the physical or emotional attention you crave, then you come running to me. That is not my purpose.

I'm not going to be that girl.

I would like to end what we have right here, but I'm sad to admit that I'm just as needy as you sometimes. So I will continue to be there, but not in the capacity that you want and you'll probably find that I'm just not quite what you need anymore. It's like a drug addict. You become used to the dosage and so you have to find a new way to get that high. Well I'm actually going to lower that dosage. Hopefully you'll provide that disconnect that I wish I was strong enough to offer myself.

On another just as bleak note...
I stopped looking around for him. I don't care if I have that chance meeting anymore. It won't change anything. I can just add it to the ever-growing column of relationships/friendships that I've fucked up. I obviously still think about him, but it's not the same as before. I realize that I can live without it and life goes on. Je survivrai. I miss the friendship, but just like the others have waned, this one will as well. I will find a replacement and a replacement for the replacement. The cycle doesn't change.

I have started to like math. It still confuses me and I'm still not good at it, but I respect it. I've started to dislike French.

I'm just all topsy-turvy right now.

Oh, I forgot to mention, my list of regrets is up to 2. May just wasn't my month this year.

1. I told him.
I wish I hadn't.
With every ounce of my being, I wish I hadn't.
I don't need [[or want, really]] you as a boyfriend, but I really do want you as a friend.
I REALLY WISH I HADN'T.

2. I finished my jr. year.
The best part of the year is when I walked out from my final test.
I was so relieved that I started smiling the second I handed my professor the test.
I put my ipod back on and I walked down the escalator.
I prepared myself to walk in the rain and, sunglasses on/hood up, stepped out into the downpour.
First song to play the second I did that, Umbrella covered by All Time Low.
I started laughing. And I felt such a feeling of relief that I thought I might cry.
I'm positive that that was my favorite moment of this entire school year.

3. I turned 21. Today.
It's been pleasant so far.

4. I finally did something that I truly regret. and I swear, I wish I hadn't.

(there's no place like the beach, there's no place like the beach, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE THE BEACH...)
Maybe if I keep my eyes closed reeeeeal tight, I can imagine that I'm there.

I'm coming off from a relatively stressful month. Of course it's no less stressful at this point. As a matter of fact, I think the shit may have just hit the fan.

I have got to bring up my grades in physiology and french. The difficulty level for French has increased, but that may be due to the fact that I don't have anyone to study with. That whole conundrum leads me to another.
Did I come on too strong? I had no intention to. Generally, I'm the type of girl who ignores the guy she likes. I'll tell him he's stupid and pick him last for my gym team. I'll laugh when he trips over stuff on the floor.

I'll get jealous when he talks to other girls more than me.

My friends are a bad influence. They're the ones who always tell me to "say something" or "invite him out". Well I did that and he said no. Granted he was out of town and he apologized and said next time. But he still said no to me! (It was more along the lines of I'd love to, but can't). I was forced to face the one thing I fear the most and got exactly the results I was expecting to get. I faced the possibililty of rejection and I received rejection.

On a less stressful front, i just got back from Corpus Christi. It was a nice trip, I don't really care to elaborate on the trip itself. Adding a little stress to the situation is that I did ALL the driving for the entire weekend in the rain. It's one thing to drive yourself around in a brand new city in the rain. It's a WHOLE 'NOTHER BALLGAME when you're driving 2 other people around in a brand new city in the rain. I hate having passengers in my car. I drive so much better when I'm alone because I don't over-correct, I don't worry, and I just let it flow. On top of that [roughly] 6hr round-trip...trip I also decided to come home this week, bringing me to this moment. Add 3 hours. Smalls has been subjected to almost 1000 miles worth of driving in less than 5 days. My poor baby. Of course, I'm not really complaining. I had to drive at least 100 miles because right before we left for the trip my odometer read 166,600. I don't approve. I'm putting a lotta miles on my body...

I have so much more to say, but I'm wiped out. I've been sleepy (not tired, SLEEPPPPPPPPYYYY) since 15:00. It's time for me to stop ignoring the message.

I did not expect this to be so long. Thanks for sticking with me. Sometimes it's just nice to be heard.

tonight was lots of fun. I went to the UT game (UT 52- Rice 10). I took random pictures. I made Issa feel awkward.

I played Where's Waldo lol.

I picked on Issa. I think that was my favorite part.

I will post the pictures on this one later.

<3 your life.

 Goliath came by again.

He came scratching at the backdoor while I was watching Ohio St. get murdered and my heart began to sing. He walked sulkily past me, directly into the kitchen and began to look for some food.  I asked him what he wanted, but he just looked at me... I gave him a can of tuna from the pantry and a glass of water. He ate silently and came and watched the game with me for a few minutes. I'm thinking he's not a big sports fan because he got up relatively quickly. I asked him to stay, but he definitely hadn't planned on it. I opened the door and said goodbye, until we meet again.

Then I went to sleep.

That damn Goliath...

I finally cleaned my room...for the most part. I have some stuff that I just don't know what to do with it. Oh twell.

I skipped discussion again this morning. I hate doing it, but 8 AM is really early for a discussion section that I'm not learning anything in...